On Friday, Luca emerged excitedly from school with the class bear tucked under his arm, along with a book chronicling its previous adventures. A book that reads more like the ultimate ’50 things to do before you die’ than any weekend I’ve ever experienced.
My weekend plans were in tatters.
And once again it fell upon me to be the sacrificial parent who selflessly lowers the bar for those that follow. To take it back from quad-biking in the Sahara, to a more realistic game of hide-and-seek in Sainsbury’s.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
It’s time that we, the parents, reclaim our lazy weekends. It’s time we take back what’s rightfully ours. It’s time that we put parents first. Think Britain First, only without the racism, bigotry, ironically poor grasp of the English language, or the badly inked tattoo of a crucifix penned by one of your cell mates in Strangeways.
If we’re to protect the most vulnerable to laziness in society, like myself, then we need to act collectively. We need a cross parent consensus.
We need a ‘class bear manifesto’.
It’s still in its consultation period so any amendments are welcome, but these are my proposals thus far:
No bears abroad. In my case, that means South Manchester, not the South of France.
No days out to anywhere ending in ‘land’, or ‘world’. In particular I’m thinking of you, Disney.
All parents to submit their weekend plans on a Wednesday. Any deviations thereafter should be agreed by a committee, chaired by me.
If you go swimming at 7am on a Saturday morning, evidence should be submitted proving this is indeed a regular occurrence and not just for the benefit of the bear.
A commitment to call the park what it really is, a park. It’s not forestry skills, any more than it’s a wildlife trail.
If I’ve seen you shopping in Aldi at the weekend, I don’t expect to see a photo taken in Waitrose.
And absolutely no photoshopping the bear in exotic locations or iconic moments of history, however great that temptation may be.
In the (blatantly palgiarised) words of Jeremy Corbyn, this is a new kind of parenting. Kinder, fairer and more inclusive. A class bear collective, if you like. Or not.
Together, we can do this. Together, we can achieve great things. Together, can put the honesty back into the class bear assembly.
Solidarity, parents. Solidarity.