My Ideal Kitchen

When I was asked what my ideal kitchen would be it wasn’t long before I realised that what I was describing was actually a panic room.

 

I suppose it’s not too surprising. The kitchen has become my last bastion of peace and quiet, ever since the kids conquered the bathroom in what became known as the battle of peaceful poo.

 

Being a stay-at-home dad I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, although it may be less if the boys discover how long it really takes to cook beans on toast (otherwise known as haricot beans in a tomato dressing, on a bed of lightly toasted granary if Masterchef is mid-season).

 

My culinary skills are limited though, and it’s not helped by what I have to work with.

 

We have a kettle that leaks when poured at any angle greater than fifteen degrees.

 

Our microwave pre-dates the digital era. It has two cooking modes; full power and a shrug of the shoulders.

 

The timer setting comes with the caveat of ‘ish’.

 

I have four hand-held mixers, or parts thereof, but no complete unit.

 

The hob has two rings that work, and two whose flames can best be described as an asthmatic splutter.

 

We have lots of pans, plenty of lids, and yet never the two may fit.

 

We’ve only just replaced a washing machine which bore a sticker saying it was safety checked by a trade body that ceased to exist in the early 70′s.

 

And yet despite all this I love our kitchen and I love cooking. It’s like a self-imposed solitary confinement.

 

Now seeing as my ideal kitchen is little more than a concept, so are some of the products within it (there’s a Pinterest board at the bottom of the post).

 

For a start I’ll probably need a little more square footage. Well, I need somewhere for the Costa franchise to go.

 

But no man can feed his family on Panini’s and genetically modified custard creams alone, so I’d better have the Electrolux Inspiro oven, if for no other reason than it looks like a camera.

 

Janet suggested something self-cleaning which may or may not have been a dig at my lack of housework (it was).

 

I saw one recently that could be controlled by your mobile phone. What were they thinking?

 

Add an oven app to my phone and the kids will be cooking pan-fried Angry Birds whilst my carrots simmer away on Instagram.

 

I’d quite like a dishwasher too.

 

Which one? Well since you’re asking, the Electrolux Bifoliate Wall-Mounted Double Dishwasher by Toma Brundzaite please. It doesn’t need emptying. I know, genius!

 

And if you’re struggling for something to buy me for my 40th then may I suggest the Electrolux Bio Robot Refridgerator by Yuriy Dmitriev. There’s no door, you just push the food into some sort of futuristic gel!

 

Aside from appliances I’d also quite like my utensils back.

 

I appear to be missing every implement that bares the merest resemblance to a sword.

 

If I need a whisk the first place I now check is the kids bedroom.

 

There’s also a rolling pin that went missing some months ago which I’m pretty sure wasn’t taken with pastry in mind.

 

And while I’m on the subject of the kids it’d be nice to have CCTV in the front room, that way I’ll be less likely to burn the dinner whilst trying to ascertain who really did start it.

 

 

{This is a sponsored post. All words and opinions are my own.}

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  1. Sally wrote...

    This sounds just my like kitchen. Your current one not the concept! That dishwasher looks ace :) made me chuckle as always, love it.

  2. Mark wrote...

    Thanks Sally.

    To give you an idea of how poorly stocked my kitchen is I got a frying pan for Christmas!?