Room 101

Mark Rants, Uncategorised 4 Comments

The lovely, and very funny @distressedhwife tagged me in a ‘Room 101’ style meme, and thus highlighted a benefit of social media. You see, within Twitter you can tag and run. Had she asked me in the pub, she’d now be excusing herself to the ladies room before trying to squeeze out of the toilet window in a bid for freedom.

Yep, not surprisingly I have a lot of things to put in Room 101. An awful lot!

Here’s just three of them …

clapping gig1}… Clapping.

Not all clapping. I still expect the boys to stand and applaud when I complete a level on Mario Bros for them. Such is my pitiful need for reverence.

No, the clapping that really grates on me is that of a studio audience. Specifically a middle-aged studio audience clapping along to a rock band.

I may be wrong, but I doubt this conversation ever took place during the recording of a Foo Fighters album.

Dave Grohl:  “Sounds great lads, but it’s missing something. Maybe a badly timed hand clap that loses its enthusiasm midway through the song! Taylor, can you oblige?”

Taylor Hawkins:  “Not really Dave. Have you asked the audience of the Jonathan Ross Show?”

No. No it hasn’t! So STOP it!

 

big sister2}… Older Siblings.

OK, maybe a little harsh, so instead I’ll go with the torment inflicted by older siblings, namely my big sister. So many examples to choose from but here’s a flavour of what I had to put up with ….

I was eleven years old. A very gullible eleven. My homework was to write a story about ghosts. I asked my sister for another word for trembling; her suggestion …. masturbating. I was ELEVEN!

Here’s a passage from the story I handed in.

“The policeman arrived at the house. He knocked on the door but there was no answer. He slowly opened the door and once inside found an old lady sat at the bottom of the stairs, masturbating.”

That’s not funny, that’s sick and twisted!

I never received a grade, nor had my work returned. I suspect it probably still exists somewhere; possibly gathering dust in the archives of Social Services.

 

balloons popping3}… Random Bangs.

I’m talking about fireworks. Fireworks and more importantly balloons. I have a nervous disposition, such is life. Explosives on a string really don’t help.

Who likes balloons anyway? I’ll tell you who. Toddlers. Toddlers with clumsy hands and sharp nails. Give my boys a balloon and you’ll find me in one of two places; rocking in a corner, or in a neighbouring postcode.

I should probably take this opportunity to apologise to every assistant in Mothercare who’s offered one to my kids. Take out the expletives and what I’m trying to politely say is,

“No thank you, they really wouldn’t like a balloon. I know their faces are suggesting otherwise, as will the impending tears, but honestly, I may only be one random bang off a heart attack!”

I feel a lot better for getting these off my chest. I don’t normally do meme’s but this one was quite cathartic, and far cheaper than the therapy I should probably be seeking.

 

As per the meme, I’m tagging @davidinglis.

I’d tag more but I think this has well and truly done the rounds now, but if you do fancy writing your own Room 101 post then I’d love to read it. Please let me know if you do and I’ll be happy to include a link here.

Charlotte’s (Distressed Housewife) very funny Room 101 post can be found here.

Thanks for reading.

Comments 4

  1. This made me laugh so much and I’m giving your big sis a virtual high-five. I have to agree with the other two, too. Random clapping is annoying, as was the woman who sat behind us at a Peter Kay gig and loudly whooped AT EVERY SINGLE JOKE. I was sorely tempted to harm her, my husband had to physically restrain me. Children and balloons=bad combination. Great post; thanks for the link and kind words, much appreciated 🙂

  2. Oh my god, I nearly wet myself reading that! And I cannot begin to tell you how happy it makes me to hear that balloons are NOT ALLOWED! Finally, I’m not the only one who thinks small children and balloons simply do not mix!

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  3. Where do I start? Must be unbearable to live with but here goes:

    a) Plastic take-away bags left on table while eating

    b) Marketing companies calling at children’s bedtime and pretending not to hear you when you tell them this

    c) People eating with mouth open and even worse: talking and eating with mouth open.

    d) Red Tape esp those whose job it to enforce it

    e) Small children (mainly of pink variety) doing cutesie dance moves

    f) Anyone who thinks they can sing when they can’t (apart from me)

    g) Any leopard skin print and/or sequinned garment

    h) Excessive make-up and smell of hairspray

    i) Unecessarily fat people (I know. Not tolerant)

    j) Politicians thinking they’re cleverer than interviewers by avoiding their questions

    k) Worst of all though must be chin hair shavings in the basin

    I also had a ferociously mean older sister so feel your pain. Boy, that was therapeutic! Thanks I feel alot better now. Cheque will be in the post.

    Yours, Ms S. O’Ciopath

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