For us Northerners, Blackpool illuminations is a rite of passage. It's a coming of age moment. Right up there with your first Greggs pasty, chip barms and rickets.
I'll not lie, I had high expectations. So much so I may have bigged it up a little too much.
Duinrell Family Park - Canvas Holidays
Big Shop with Little Helpers
Like Riding a Bike
Not only could I carbon date my housework from within the mountain of clothes, but also my life.
I don't think I'm giving anything away by saying both peaked around 2009.
I'd always assumed the path to embarrassing dad status would be a gradual one. A prolonged period of otherwise insignificant events, condensed into a single anecdote. A retrospective title earned through hindsight on my part and much exaggeration on theirs.
Talking a little too loudly about someone on the very next table, maybe.
I'm not one for new year resolutions, what with me being willpower intolerant and all.
Don't mock me now, it's a genuine medical condition. The nurse diagnosed me as such at my over-forty health check. I think. She definitely mentioned something about willpower, the rest was a little hazy.
I can't draw.
That's not me being modest or defeatist, I set the bar unbelievably low before reaching that conclusion.
If you imagine how low you think I set it, then keep going. Nope, further, further still, a bit more and there it is. Squint and you'll just about see it.
We've found a great new playgroup that's within walking distance; although I'm not sure we'll be going back.
For once it was Sonny who took the family shame, and Luca and I who brought it upon him.
Everything was going well until a mother made the mistake of making conversation.
I've not blogged over the summer holidays. I'd like to say it was a self-imposed sabbatical, but that would be ignoring the hours sat sobbing in front of a blank screen calculating how many hours it was until school re-opened.
Which came first, the campsite or the amusement park?
As is often the case, my question fell on deaf ears as we arrived at the fabulous Duinrell Holiday Park in the Netherlands, courtesy of Canvas Holidays.
Father, caregiver, storyteller, teeth-brushing inspector, school-on-time deliverer, comic in residence, Mario Kart Grand Master ...
… but you don't need to ask them, because I've done it for you.
Do you remember when this blog used to be about the kids? Nope, me neither.
I should probably just change its name from The Tales of Sonny and Luca to The Miserable Mutterings of a Middle-aged Man and be done with it.
I made it to forty! I know, I'm as surprised as you are.
Looking back it's been a tough few years. I lost my job, my house and for a year or two my marbles, but I've come out the other side blessed with meeting Janet.