For us Northerners, Blackpool illuminations is a rite of passage. It's a coming of age moment. Right up there with your first Greggs pasty, chip barms and rickets.
I'll not lie, I had high expectations. So much so I may have bigged it up a little too much.
Duinrell Family Park - Canvas Holidays
Big Shop with Little Helpers
Like Riding a Bike
I knew having children would come at the price of some sleep, and possibly a little sanity, but I hadn't realised there was a need to abstain from new music as well?
Before Sonny was born I was listening to bands that didn't even exist yet.
Not those kind of confessions, get your mind out of the gutter.
If you were expecting this to begin with a rugged plumber knocking at the door I can only apologise. The most excitement you'd get from me in that scenario is if he didn't condemn our boiler for another year.
Sometimes Sonny and Luca give me a look as if to say 'who's the grown-up here?'
Without their disapproving stares I found myself in Asda, at the top of a long straight ramp, with no-one around and a trolley that was asking to be ridden on ...
We all have our crosses to bare.
Janet's is being able to stay asleep when the kids shuffle past her side of the bed and scale the makeshift barricades I built out of dirty laundry to reach my side.
I know this because I'm already awake.
It was my birthday last week. 39. That's thirty-nine. NOT 40! How can I be so sure? Janet insisted I produce my passport as proof, that's how!
It's become a birthday tradition to go away for a couple of days. A tradition Janet's sister was obviously unaware of when she first agreed to look after the kids three years ago.
Father, caregiver, storyteller, teeth-brushing inspector, school-on-time deliverer, comic in residence, Mario Kart Grand Master ...
… but you don't need to ask them, because I've done it for you.
OK, so there's Mario Party 9, and the eight prior to that, but how often do I get the chance to reference S Club 7?
I've got post election blues. It's been four days since the election and I still feel numb. To liken it to mourning is maybe overstating it a little, but the five stages of dealing with grief still resonate.
Stage One - Denial
Denial came and went as quickly as Sunderland counts its votes. Exit polls had been wrong before.