Post 40 Denial

Mark Popular, Rants 6 Comments

I have my 40+ health check this week.

It’s not helping with my post 40 denial but it’ll be fine because I’m sat here drinking herbal tea, and everyone knows that replacing coffee with Chinese green tea for a couple of days can reverse twenty five years of abusing your body.

No really, it was a headline in the Daily Express, below the story where they channelled the spirit of Princess Diana to predict the best/worst/wettest/windiest winter/summer on record {delete as appropriate}.

This is the same appointment I had to collect a urine sample pot for last week. See, how easy is that, ‘urine sample pot’.

When I approached the doctors receptionist I wasn’t prepared. I wanted to say ‘piss pot’. I knew I couldn’t. I panicked. What I asked for was,

“A wee…..wee…collection bowl”.

My post 40 brain no longer works under pressure.

In her professional role you’d think she’d gloss over this, but no,

“Can you bring your wee wee sample with you on the day”, she sniggered.

On my last visit to the hairdresser, amongst the usual small-talk of weather and holidays, she suddenly chipped in with,

“Shall I trim your eyebrows while I’m here?”

Eh, what? While you’re here? ‘Here’ is the top of my head! Now I know I have the odd errant eyebrow or four but they’re not sprouting beyond my frickin’ scalp!

I bit my lip and nodded.

Hairdressers aren’t helping with my post 40 denial.

In fact Mark is in such denial over his receding hairline that he even talks about it in the third person.

Then there’s my groaning. I’ve been groaning whilst getting up from my chair for a while now. So long that when Luca was a baby he’d mock me with the same noise. Clearly he thought this was the default sound you made when getting to your feet.

This week I noticed a disturbing change, and I’m not talking about the sit down groan, that too has been happening for a while. What I noticed was that I now groan at the mere prospect of standing up. A full five seconds before. So long before as to forget why I was getting up in the first place. I’m sat on the sofa groaning and grumbling to myself without even moving an inch. Throw in some cursing and I’m turning into Father Jack!

And whilst I’m on the subject of random noises, recently I made a sound I’ve not made for decades. In fact the last time I made this noise was when as a prepubescent teenager I saw my first nuddy mag. And what was it that warranted such a reaction? Tupperware! I didn’t even know Tupperware porn was a thing? I do now.

But post forty denial works both ways, because on the rare occasion I accept my age I immediately wish to be older.

Recently I’ve been washing the boys Great Grandma’s clothes. It was whilst hanging her washing on the line that I suddenly got struck by elasticated waist envy. Seriously, they look so damn comfy. I want to skip middle-age fashion and go straight to that of a 97 year-old Chinese woman!

When I apply for jobs and they ask that difficult question about my goals in life I at least now have an answer. Elasticated waists.

But I don’t need to ask Janet to know she’ll selfishly deny me such comforts at forty, so I need something to tide me over. Something to see me through middle-age. And I’ve only gone and found it!

My epiphany occurred while walking through BHS. I stumbled on a department I’ve never seen before. A world of wonderfully weaved woolliness. The patterned jumper of the 50+ man. And taxi drivers.

So you can stick your H&M and Gap, I’m holding out for the BHS jumper. And if I can just find some maternity jeans for men and their expanding waistlines, in less than a decade I need never go shopping for clothes again.

Comments 6

  1. M&S! (get that the right way round, dear, or you’ll be in trouble)
    Has everything the mid-lifer could want. Elasticated waists, wool, beige – the works!
    We were just at the parents ‘evening’ and I couldn’t concentrate on what Damien’s teacher was saying for the sight of OH’s nose hair. They are white as opposed to his hair which is black. Do you think he’s using Just For Men on the sly?

    1. The weird thing is when I type M&S my phone autocorrects it the other way round?
      I’d say yes to the Just For Men but some of my errant hairs are grey too. It may just be nature’s way of double mockery!?

      I think you should get Damien to ask him. Go on, there’s a blog post in that!

  2. What’s worrying is that I think I’ve heard that groan as you go to get up, seriously laughed out loud at the recognition! You need to get that sorted… X

    1. You’ve sat in the room with me for a long time so it may just have been the thought of making a brew that illicited that groan. Or maybe you just overstayed your welcome. I groan at most things.

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